Instead of describing what happened today i felt like sharing random things i have been learning.

• When people are forced to live in an environment that they cannot control one of two things happen. You either lose hope or learn how to change your reaction to things. Interestingly i think this applies to both the Bigs and Littles in the house. A lot of the new kids have a hard time adjusting to the restrictive lifestyle that Shelterwood provides. All of the restrictions leave them feeling like they aren’t in control of their environment and subsequently lose hope and or become more depressed. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Most kids start accepting the reality of their situation and begin to change their reaction after a couple months. Even though the staff is supposed to be in charge and running this facility control is often an illusion, especially for the bigs who are on the front line. This has been especially true the last week. Its hard to feel in control of your environment when every time you seek to correct a little he lashes back and continues to do whatever he was doing with no regard for the consequences. Or when a group of kids run back and forth barricading themselves in rooms. If our only means of control is derived from the ability to give consequences then what happens when the kids don’t care about the consequences? I have had to learn to change my reaction to situations that i can’t control because if i don’t, i lose hope, and thats not an option. This leads me to my next point.
• Don’t own kids mistakes– I have been learning how to detach myself from the kids choices. Being an empathetic person it is easy to take on or carry kids mistakes. This is a costly endeavor and after even a couple hours can wear me down to the point of being completely ineffective. I am trying to learn how to love and be compassionate to the kids but detach myself from their choices. This can also be analogous to the saying “Love the sinner but hate the sin”.
• Don’t let them see you sweat– A lot of these kids do things just to get a reaction which leaves me in a precarious position because if i react and give them a consequence (as im supposed to do) this may actually be a positive reinforcer for them because it gives them jollies to see me upset. On the other hand, if i don’t react and do nothing i am breaking the other rule of “What you tolerate you validate”. I am trying to learn how to address bad behavior without accidentally reinforcing it. To do this i am trying to learn how to master my emotions, or at least the physical manifestations of them. These kids are extremely perceptive and probably know that i am upset before i do. I can tell that older bigs have more control over their physical posturing when in escalated situations, and this helps to keep the kids from getting even more escalated.
• Walk away– If your escalated and trying to give consequences to a little, just walk away and do it later. It is better to delay the consequences than to risk further escalation of a little. There have been a couple of situations where i had to tap out and pass the responsibility over to a different big because i was so upset/escalated that i probably would have done something i would have regretted if i had to continue to manage what was going on.
• Positive reinforcement– (i already knew this from my psychology classes) when shaping behavior positive reinforcement is always more powerful than negative consequences. Even though i already knew that, there are kids that are really really hard to reward. Sometimes because they are acting out so much there really isn’t much to reward them for… Oh hey jimmy, so i know you punched him in the face but i wanted to thank you for not breaking his nose because i know you could have. Other times i honestly just don’t want to reward them for anything because they have pissed me off so much that day. i know that sounds cold and pretty un-christian but i don’t care who you are, its hard to look for good behavior in a kid who cusses you out daily and ignores almost every instruction you give him. With that said, its God will to repay hatred with love and it also just so happens to be my job now, and it actually works. Today i worked on rewarding any good behavior that i saw in the most delinquent, frustrating kids and while there was still enough defiance for everyone to have seconds (supposed to be a joke) they wern’t running around barricading themselves in rooms like they were last night so im going to go ahead and call that improvement. Turns out even the most crazy, “Thug life”, “I ain’t your B*tch” kind of kids are just insecure, scared little boys who want to be loved but don’t know how.